If your loved one is living with dementia, the definition of what’s true can shift. For example, you may find yourself struggling to respond if your mom tells you she needs to pick the kids up from school. Especially if you’re one of them and are now 40 years old.
Or what do you say when your dad insists his mother is coming for dinner, even though she has been gone over thirty years?
Unfortunately, our first instinct is often to bring them back to reality. We may feel that we need to help them understand what’s actually true. However, that can often make things worse.
Because when we correct someone with dementia, they don’t usually feel helped or supported. Instead, they may feel criticized, confused and scared. Even when your voice is kind, the message they receive can be that they’re wrong once again and shouldn’t trust themselves.
Why the Search for Truth Often Backfires
Dementia changes how the brain processes time, context and information. What is true can depend on the person. But the emotions? Those are still very much felt. Correction triggers real feelings: embarrassment, defensiveness, fear or anger.
And sadly, trying to get them to accept the truth can damage your relationship in that moment. And this is one of the few things that actually matters.
Tips for Better Dementia Communication
Communicating with someone living with dementia can be difficult. But understanding the challenge and keeping the end goal in sight can make a big difference.
If your parent says something that isn’t factually true, instead of telling them they’re mistaken, try one of these responses instead:
Dementia Communication Tip #1: Validate the Feeling Behind the Words
Don’t argue with the content. Instead, respond to the emotion.
- “That sounds really important to you.”
- “I can see you’re worried about this.”
- “You seem upset. Can you tell me what’s on your mind?”
Dementia Communication Tip # 2: Join Their Emotional Reality
You don’t need to confirm the facts. Try acknowledging what they’re feeling or wanting to express.
- “You’ve always taken such good care of your family.”
- “You don’t want anyone to be waiting for you.”
- “You want to make sure everyone is safe.”
Dementia Communication Tip # 3: Redirect Gently
Offer a next step that reduces their anxiety without forcing them to admit they were confused.
- “Let’s sit down for a minute and figure this out together.”
- “Before we leave, can you help me with something?”
- “How about some tea first, then we’ll check on everything?”
The validating approach isn’t about lying. It’s about keeping your parent’s needs at the center so the moment doesn’t spiral into an argument that no one can win.
Dementia Communication Tip # 4: What to Say Instead of “You’re Wrong”
Here are a few more examples of how you might respond to different situations. Of course, you will want to tailor them to your conversations, but the sentiment remains the same.
Instead of: “No, Mom, your mother died years ago.”
Try: “You miss her, don’t you? What was she like?” or “What would you want to tell her right now?”
Instead of: “You already ate lunch. I told you that.”
Try: “Are you still hungry? Let’s get you a snack you like.”
Instead of: “That never happened.”
Try: “That sounds upsetting. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.”
Instead of: “You can’t go home. This IS your home now.”
Try: “Home was always so important to you. What do you miss most about it?”
Dementia Communication Tip # 5: How to Handle Accusations
One of the more difficult conversations is being accused of something that is not true, such as that you never visit or you took something of theirs. These can be the most painful, but it’s still important to remember it is the disease talking. And to your loved one, it feels very real.
If this occurs, try the following responses:
- Validate: “That sounds really upsetting.”
- Reassure: “I’m here to help you, not hurt you.”
- Problem-solve: “Let’s look for it together.”
- Redirect: “While we’re looking, remind me what’s inside your purse?”
What doesn’t work? Even if your reaction is valid, defending yourself at length, explaining the timeline or trying to prove they’re wrong will likely only make things worse. Try to remember to address the emotion behind the words. Are they scared? Frustrated? Anxious? It can help to speak to that.
Meeting Your Loved One Where They Are
Not correcting someone with dementia isn’t about being dishonest. It’s about recognizing that their reality has shifted. Often the most loving thing you can do is step into that reality with them instead of trying to pull them into yours.
You’re not giving up on truth. You’re choosing connection.
And on the days when nothing you say seems to help, when they don’t remember you visited yesterday or when they continue to ask the same question, keep in mind that your presence is what matters most.
Assisted Living at Presbyterian Village North
We believe in empowering residents to live life on their own terms, regardless of age or abilities. Our Assisted Living neighborhood is designed to help you or your loved one maintain a sense of independence and autonomy while receiving the individualized support needed to thrive. With a focus on preserving dignity, our trained professionals provide assistance with daily activities such as dressing, grooming and medication management, all while encouraging social engagement and personal growth.
Our community offers a range of services to make everyday life easier and more enjoyable, including restaurant-style dining, wellness programs and a monthly calendar of social and cultural activities.
With a nurse onsite 24/7 and a variety of spacious and thoughtfully designed residences to choose from, Presbyterian Village North is the perfect place to find peace of mind and enhanced quality of life.
Reach out today by calling (214) 355-9000 to learn more about how we can provide the care and support you or your loved one needs, all within a vibrant, caring community.