When someone you love is living with dementia, the milestones you once celebrated together — birthdays, anniversaries or holidays — may begin to look and feel different. You may wonder if your mom understands it’s her birthday or if your dad knows it’s Christmas morning.
As the disease progresses, interactions will also likely change. This can leave the family asking a question, often not out loud: “If they don’t remember it tomorrow, does my visit even matter?”
The answer is yes. It absolutely does.
We often misunderstand joy or happiness and believe that for it to be meaningful, it must be rooted in memory instead of in the moment. We may think that if a long-term impression cannot be made, then the experience doesn’t hold the same value.
But we would be mistaken.
It’s so important not to underestimate the power that a moment can hold. The gestures may be small, but a smile, a laugh or holding a hand while listening to a favorite song are all moments that can make life meaningful. Even if the memory of it fades.
Connecting to a Parent With Dementia
It can understandably be upsetting to feel that a visit doesn’t matter because a loved one won’t remember it happened. But to connect with others doesn’t require memory. We connect in the present, and your presence can make a significant difference.
Dementia may steal the short-term memory of your loved one, but it doesn’t erase their capacity for feeling. Emotions can still be triggered and experienced in the present. A soft touch, a favorite treat or the sound of a loved one’s voice — can spark joy and connection even if the memory of the experience will be lost.
When connecting to a parent with dementia, it’s essential to remember that genuine quality of life can be found in celebrating the small moments. Your visits are also about honoring the dignity of your loved one. Your presence allows you to reinforce to them, and to yourself, that they are important and are still capable of experiencing happiness.
Connecting to a Parent With Dementia: Where Happiness Can Be Found
One example of the power of simple moments is bringing your loved one a favorite treat. Their eyes may light up, and after taking a bite, the emotion of joy registers. Although that single event may not be remembered later in the day, the emotion of happiness can linger.
Studies have shown that while people with dementia may forget the activity, they can retain the emotional imprint. Happiness, comfort, even a sense of being loved — that stays. Remind yourself when you visit that even though they might forget that you were there, they may remember the feeling of being cared for.
Connecting to a Parent With Dementia: Tips for Visiting
Here are a few tips to help you celebrate the small victories and make your visits more meaningful — even if brief or later forgotten:
1. Bring the Familiar
Does your parent have a favorite song, perfume or snack? Sensory memory is often strong in people with dementia. A familiar smell, sound or flavor can trigger positive emotions.
2. Focus on Feelings, Not Facts
It’s important not to quiz your loved one if they remember who you are. Instead, focus on making them feel comfortable and tell them how happy you are to be there.
3. Celebrate the Little Things
Did your mom smile today? Did your dad participate in an activity? Were you able to share a moment of eye contact or laughter? These are meaningful moments. Celebrate them.
4. Short Visits Can Still Be Powerful
Don’t underestimate the impact of a 10-minute visit or a phone call. When it comes to emotional experiences, quality is much more important than quantity.
5. Bring the Grandkids
Children are often less focused on memory and more willing to just be. Their natural energy can be uplifting, and even just watching them play can bring joy to someone with dementia.
6. Leave a Trace
Even if your loved one doesn’t remember you came, you can leave something behind — a photo, a note or a small gift. Staff can help remind them throughout the day. The recollection of your visit may be short-lived, but the warm feeling it inspired can last longer.
Connecting to a Parent With Dementia: Celebrate the Small Wins
While loving someone living with dementia can result in feeling heartbreak, seeing and celebrating even the small moments is evidence of a life being lived well — and with dignity and joy.
It’s helpful to shift your focus from what your parent can no longer do — to what they still can. Sometimes the biggest gift is to not only make every moment count, but to also just let every moment be.
Dementia changes memory, but it doesn’t erase meaning. And happiness in the moment isn’t diminished because it’s brief. If you shift your mindset, you may find yourself finding joy in often unexpected and beautiful ways.
Memory Support at Presbyterian Village North
At Presbyterian Village North, we support both the individual and the family as they navigate the dementia journey.
We focus on the quality of life for our residents with a staff specially trained in the best practices of dementia care. Residents make their homes in private apartments while benefiting from the daily interactions with others and participating in our exercise, music, art and cognitive therapies.
With outdoor seating and dining possibilities, our secure garden courtyard and protected walking paths encourage our residents to venture outside while remaining safe from wandering.
We also provide the following services:
- Licensed nursing staff onsite 24/7
- Medication administration
- Assistance with activities of daily living
- Chef-prepared cuisine
- Special activities and social programs
- Access to a full continuum of care
Presbyterian Village North is a compassionate resource for your loved one and your family. Please call (800) 400-4130 if you have any questions or would like to schedule a personal visit to our community.